The Storm has Passed

We got great news about Brennan today! It's been a while since I posted an update about him, so you may want to refresh your memory by clicking here and here. I mentioned in my previous Brennan update that putting this puzzle together was a bit like putting together a puzzle of a bunch of spilled candy and doing it without the box. Only now it's as if I just realized I just needed to turn the pieces over for it to all come clear. OK, enough intrigue and metaphor: Brennan's neurologist called today with the results of his EEG that he had over a month ago (finally!); everything's clear! Before, he was showing subtle epileptic activity, but now, even knowing what to look for, there's nothing there! No epileptic activity, no seizures, nothing. Just plain-jane vanilla brain waves. She thinks it may have been one of the medicines he was on to treat his supposed bipolar.

His psychiatrist rescinded the bipolar diagnosis a while back and replaced it with anxiety. Thankfully, we've been able to manage that with weekly therapy sessions and without medicine. He still struggles with temper outbursts, but I think it's getting better. You can almost see the wheels turning in his head when something makes him mad. He's fighting his demons to determine which side will win. That's a huge step forward! Of course the true test will be when his mother gets back, since that's where he's had the hardest time controling his outbursts. I'm convinced it will be better, and perhaps (hopefully), this separation has been a healing rain of sorts.

On top of his weekly psych therapy, he's getting weekly occupational therapy. Brennan's incredibly talented in some ways, like sports and math, but has problems in multi-sensory environments and with real-world problem-solving. His occupational therapist specializes in that sort of therapy, so we're hopeful that will ease some frustration he may be having over "simple things". He's at least having fun! He gets to do things like build obstacle courses and test them out and play with putty that makes bathroom noises when you squeeze it. What more could an 8-year-old boy ask for?

We are so absolutely thankful that yet another burden has been lifted. Brennan still has a fair amount of therapy ahead of him, but we're now convinced that there's nothing extremely serious or harmful wrong with him. Praise God! He is good!

Rock You Like a Hurricane

Our family loves the Wii. And last weekend, I had the chance to try out a game I was sure I would love but hadn't yet played: Rock Band. What made it even sweeter was that Lauren loved it, too!

I got to babysit Lauren all morning while Cristi went out shopping, and she wanted to play, not once, not twice, but three times!! Well, being the good dad, I couldn't really turn her down, could I? We jammed to Bon Jovi, Nirvana, and a couple of others. When Cristi got back, she said, "I see Daddy babysits different than Mommy!" Yup!

Of course, then I got Cristi in on it, and we all played together: Me on drums, Cristi on the axe, and Lauren wailing on the mic! I loved it!

Ridin' the Waves

OK, so this is, like, so last century by now, but I wanted to share pics of our trip to Great Wolf Lodge. We went down with some friends of ours, the Leonards, with their three kids, and we had a blast! It was our fourth time down there, and it just never gets old.

The lobby

The wave pool

Addison, Brennan, Vanessa, and I coming off the Howlin' Tornado

Disciplining Brennan with water torture

Splash down!

My model

All boy...

The Wolf Den

Dancin' the Night Away

Teaching Brennan to boogy board

Good learner!

Great time!

Count Your Blessings (Reprise)

Last week was a tough week.

Lauren seemed to be declining again. She "just wasn't quite right" as Cristi described it to me. She was also falling a lot -- like her legs were just giving out underneath her. That was certainly a disturbing new development. The doctors were beginning to get concerned. Of course we're always concerned that she'll start going d0wnhill before she gets her heart.

Work wasn't going well. I have two main programs I'm responsible for. One is already on life support, and started getting worse. The other one was going fine, but then an organization I work with decided to start throwing a fit about stuff I didn't think was that excitable.

I was starting to get nervous about finding a house. We thought we found one, but it looked like it was going to fall through. Then, instead of going to Philadelphia to see Cristi and Lauren, I'd have to stay here looking at houses...and I really missed Cristi.

The kids were off to Georgia with Opa and Oma, and I was left by myself. I absolutely HATE being by myself. I wound up working late every night only to come home to work that needed to be done around the house. Then stay up late, get up early, repeat.

The stress was mounting to the point that I just wasn't sure how much longer I could take it. Everyone always talks about how positive we are. I do try to look for the positive --to have joy -- in every situation...and in most cases, it helps. But it didn't this time. Little annoyances just kept happening -- things that ordinarily wouldn't be that big of a deal. But they were this time. The veneer had cracked, and I feared I had somehow lost God's protection and comfort. I feared that others might be disappointed that "the Schwambs who are so strong" hadn't cracked the code on perpetual peace after all. How can I encourage others when I've no longer got the calm assurance that all is good? I actually felt a bit like Elijah when he was hiding in a cave, running from Jezebel. He said, "I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” (1 Kings 19:10). Okay, so I didn't really feel like people were trying to kill me, but I sure felt the kind of stress that Elijah felt...and it's okay.

God calmed Elijah with a gentle whisper. He calmed me with the gentle whisper of friendship and prayer. It was then that things started looking up. I went to praise team rehearsal last Wednesday, and it was good to be around people, and good to be prayed over for my stress. My spirits began to lift. My kids would be back that weekend. Two days later, I got notified we got the house, which meant I could go to Philadelphia -- two more weights lifted. Lauren stopped falling, and today seems to have her energy back. I briefed my 3-star yesterday on my program with so many issues and got kudos for a good brief. And, Brennan passed his milk challenge yesterday. Wow! So much relief over the last several days. Life is definitely good again.

And God continues to be faithful.

Cristi posted a new blog entry a couple of days ago (you can read it here), called "Count your Blessings". I think it's time I did the same:

1) Lauren is at the best children's heart hospital in the world, getting care from top docs. You couldn't ask for more.
2) A wonderful wife that I truly love with all my heart and, amazingly, she tolerates me.
3) Two kids that have been through more than kids should ever have to go through, and they just roll with the punches.
4) God continues to answer my prayers -- about Lauren, the house, work, Brennan, ...
5) A boss that lets me take off whenever I need to, with no questions asked
6) An amazing base of care and concern from a ton of friends that I know -- and some that I don't
7) Two sets of parents that would move heaven and earth to help in any way they can
8) I get to sing my heart out and throw all my cares away at least once every week
9) I don't have to worry about health insurance costs. The military is truly a blessing.
10) Facebook and e-mail. It's been our lifeline.

"Your light broke through my night, restored exceeding joy. Your grace fell like the rain and made this desert live. You have turned my mourning into dancing! You have turned my sorrow into joy! This is how we overcome!"

False Start...Five Yard Penalty...Repeat First Down

By now, most of you have heard about our day yesterday, but I thought perhaps you'd like more than just the bottom line -- perhaps a glimpse into what yesterday was like. And, besides, blogging is therapeutic for me!

Yesterday started (almost) like any other day. I had breakfast with a friend, which put me at work later than usual. I had a ton of stuff to do that day, starting with going over weekly project updates and finalizing a briefing for a couple of General Officers. I was working on the briefing with a colleague when Cristi called.

I saw the hospital number on the caller ID and figured something was up. It's not unusual to get a call at work, but not on my cell phone, and not since she's been in the hospital. Sure enough, she said, "We may have something." "Should I jump in the car?", I asked, but she told me to hold off for an hour while they ran some initial tests. I was excited, but not convinced; we had been warned about false starts. Two hours later, Cristi called back and reported she still didn't know anything, but she was having lunch with a couple of friends that had come up for the day and would try to find out something when she got back. By then, it was getting to be about 1:00, and I figured I needed to get on the road; the 4-hour time limit we'd ben told about was running out, and I didn't want to miss seeing my little girl before surgery. She told me to make train reservations for late afternoon, and we'd hope for the best.

By 2:00, we still didn't really know, but Cristi figured no news was good news (i.e., the longer we went without hearing something was longer they weren't finding a reason not to use it). Cristi advised me to go ahead and leave work and head to the train station in the hopes that we'd know something before I left. They were tentatively talking a 7:00 surgery. I told my boss, left work, came home, quickly finished packing my suitcase, and headed to the train station. As I got on the Metro, Cristi called and gave me the official word: It was a go! I made a few phone calls to family, boss, and close friends (those were interesting conversations to be sure! I think most were more emotional than I was!) By the time I got to Union Station, I had missed my train, so I had to trade it in for a later ticket. I traded for the 5:05 train and went to wait.

As I waited, I reflected back on the day and how "perfect" it had been. The timing was perfect: I was already scheduled for leave next week. My partner was already prepped to do the majority of the briefing, so I wouldn't be missed. Cristi had friends up there to keep her company to keep her from going crazy. The heart was a perfect match! I was even wearing my Mickey Mouse watch yesterday. How perfect is that? I thought, "Surely this day has been chosen. This is fantastic!" I took time to pray, but my mind was such a flurry of thoughts that all I could muster was, "Remember all those things I've been praying about? Do that!"

Finally, the time came for them to start taking tickets and letting folks on the platform. As I held my ticket and ID and gathered my stuff to move toward the door, my phone rang -- Cristi. Uh-oh. Why was she calling me? We already had a thumbs-up. As I said hello, ticket in hand, moving toward the ticket-taker, I could hear it in her voice: "Where are you?" "Just getting ready to go through the gate", I responded. Then the dreaded report came: "They called it off. Every member of the team agreed unanimously." I fought my way through the crowd to get out of the way so we could talk. How could this happen? We had gotten a thumbs-up! The whole hospital staff was absolutely ecstatic. They were certain, too! This was the perfect day! What happened?

They had run a battery of tests that are practically pro forma; they almost never come back with problems. Unfortunately, Lauren has always preferred to keep the bookies in business. Best we can determine, these tests look for, among other things, potential weird, wild infections that the donor may have had currently or previously, knowingly or unknowingly. It's probably something of that sort that called it off that late in the process, and so definitively.

So, I went back home. After a day of hope, promise, manic excitement, I was exhausted after the plunge from an amazing high to utter disappointment. Lauren was blissfully oblivious, but Cristi was definitely upset. I was okay, just tired. Today, though, was different. My boss gave me the option of staying home or heading to Philadelphia, but I chose to go in. I had work to do (and a briefing to give), and there really wasn't anything else to do. There was no point going to Philadelphia. But I realized my heart just wasn't in it.

The transplant team warned us about false starts, but we had been so close! Why does God allow false starts? Why when we were that far along? Maybe to offer hope after beginning to feel like it would never come? I don't know...At least we know what to expect now. And what of the donor's family? I can't imagine the roller coaster they went through yesterday. I don't know if this problem would have prevented other organs from being used, but if so...Wow! That would have been devastating on top of already losing their child...really tough on closure...I pray God's rich blessing on them. Wow!

Today is another day, though. Cristi and I are doing much better. Lauren's still blissfully oblivious. Another heart will come...in time. We pray it will be sooner rather than later, but it will come on God's time. We will wait, and we will be patient.

Where's That Magic 8-Ball?

It's been a while since I've written, but thankfully, things have been blessedly uneventful. The hospital's had a nasty GI bug going around, so a couple of weeks ago, they took some drastic measures to try to reverse it. They locked down the germ factories previously known as the play room and family lounge, and stationed a large guard at the entrance, turning away all kids and anyone else that breathes funny. Fortunately, as of this writing, they've opened the playroom back up.

Lauren has been healthy through all of this; it's really been great. But while she has been "healthy", there have been some subtle indications that something's just not right. Her resting heart rate has risen since we checked her in 2 months ago. Her pulmonary pressures seem to be creeping up. And, she's coughing more. All of these point toward a gradual onset of heart failure. The doctors have noticed, too, and have begun thinking about how to stay ahead of Lauren, rather than constantly reacting. They've also shared that with us so that we could be prepared, rather than having it sprung on us when it's time.

Lauren is still doing fine. She's in no imminent danger and really nothing to get too concerned about, but some kid ran off with the Magic 8 Ball and hasn't brought it back, so we're left with a few interesting questions but fewer answers: Is her heart, in fact, deteriorating? If so, how fast? Is there anything we can do about it? Will she be able to hold out until we get a heart? Since Lauren's as adept at the unpredictable as Agatha Christie, the doctors decided to do a heart cath -- partially because they like to do them every 3 months on transplant patients and partially to get some more clues to just how well (or lousy) Lauren really is doing.

We got good news. Lauren's heart function is effectively unchanged from December, with one significant difference: Lauren's heart isn't pumping as much blood per beat, but it's beating faster, so it's compensating. So...the doctors are as satisfied as they can be, but they'll certainly keep their eyes on her. Should she start declining, they have a few options. They can, of course, continue fiddling with her heart and diuretic meds. They can also put in a Berlin (mechanical) heart. She can theoretically keep getting up and around with one of those. If breathing becomes more difficult because her heart just can't keep up, they can put her on a ventilator to give her heart a break. Obviously, she couldn't be up and around then.

Lauren's had a fantastic attitude through all of this (except for those I'm-3-years-old-and-I-run-this-place moments). She's learned to ride a tricycle and has enjoyed riding it all over the floor. Check out Cristi's blog for pictures. And, of course, she's charming everyone. Because of that, we're certainly concerned that Lauren's health could decline before a heart became available. I know that God will provide a heart for Lauren on His time. I just continue to pray that Lauren will stay strong until that time comes -- however long that is.

Speaking of that, we did get a bit of good news the other day. Lauren was offered a "back-up heart" (whatever that means; Cristi forgot to ask), but they turned it down due to concerns of infection on the part of the donor. While it wasn't a "real heart" offer, it at least means we're getting high enough on the mythical list to get offered something. After two months and the promise of several more, that's really encouraging.

Many have asked how we're doing. The truth is that, in some ways, it's hard. We don't get to talk every day, and sometimes, the days we do get to, there's not much to talk about, so I feel like I've wasted my opportunity. My trips to Philadelphia seem rushed, like there's just not enough time. I hate that the kids don't get to see Cristi and Lauren regularly. I'm tired of sleeping alone. I worry that Cristi's not eating well or getting enough rest. I worry that Lauren is spending a critical time when she really needs good parenting, getting her way more than she should (i.e., getting spoiled). In other ways, we're doing fine. Our totally unselfish parents are quite literally keeping the household running. We've gotten countless notes and words of encouragement. I don't have to worry about health insurance bills. I do actually get to see Cristi occasionally. If this were a deployment, I wouldn't get to see her for 6+ months. I think what makes this different, though, is that a deployment has a (somewhat) definite end date with little to worry about but enduring. Conversely, we don't know whether this will end tomorrow or next year. Lauren's long-term health is uncertain. But we will make it. Our marriage is incredibly strong. And we do get to talk fairly often. And Lauren will come through transplant splendidly. But some days are just harder than others. Thanks to all for your prayers and words of encouragement. God has blessed us with an incredible circle of support.

The Best Wife Ever

With the exception of Christmas, Cristi and I hate gift-giving holidays: Mothers' Day, Fathers' Day, and, yes, Valentine's Day. With everything else going on, we find ourselves with so little time that these occasions just seem like a chore, rather than something we can put time and effort into to make them special. So we'd rather not make a big deal out of them than to cause additional stress that's not needed. That was illustrated quite clearly yesterday by my low-maintenance wife.

Yesterday, a friend of ours came up to Philadelphia and stayed with Lauren so that Cristi and I could just go out and enjoy ourselves. No big plans...We just wanted to hang out and enjoy being together -- pure and simple. Wow, it was great! We drove up to a suburb north of Philadelphia where they have a huge shopping center so that we could look for some stuff and just goof off. We went into Old Navy, and Cristi found a shirt to spruce up her spring hospital wardrobe. As we finished checking out, the clerk said, "Have a great day. Enjoy your holiday!" As we're leaving, Cristi says, "Oh yeah...I was trying to figure out what holiday it was today." I love that woman!

A Trip Home, Part Drei

Our last day there, the day we flew out, we started at Kaethe Wohlfahrt; I needed to pick up an ornament for my mother. We headed to Mackebach next. Coincidentally, Don and I both lived there while we were stationed over there. We stopped at the grocery store first to do our last-minute shopping. I still needed coffee and Kinder Eggs. If you’ve never had European coffee, it’s the best. And, German coffee is one of the best of those. Kinder Eggs, are little eggs made out chocolate – about the size of Cadbury Cream Eggs – that are hollowed out and have little toys inside them. Many of the toys you have to put together, which is the really cool part. It’s amazing how much stuff you can fit in a tiny chocolate egg! Addison and Brennan have had them before and asked me to bring them back some. I figured I better get some for Lauren, too. Not that Brennan and Lauren can eat them, but remember: It’s not about the chocolate; it’s about the toy inside!

So, I strolled through the store, first stopping for coffee. I initially picked up 5 bricks, but at about $6/brick, I figured that was a lot, so I put a grand total of one back. Hey, I’m only willing to sacrifice so much! Then, on my way to the candy aisle, I went down the sauce aisle. Yep. I’m all about the pre-made schnitzel sauce! The only complicating factor is that the ingredients are in German, so I couldn’t guarantee they didn’t have milk products in them and be safe for Brennan, but I was reasonably confident, figuring I could always translate via Google, so I pulled a couple of packets. Finally…on to Kinder Eggs. I pulled nine and went to check out. Now, since it was our last day, I had used up most of my cash; I was hoping to use a credit card here…But no luck. I was frustrated but not that surprised. In many ways, German culture is a good 40-50 years behind us. This was a good example: Using credit cards everywhere just isn’t the German way. So after embarrassing myself, Don offered up his remaining cash, and I brought back only half the coffee I had intended to.

Our last item of business before lunch and a drive back to the airport was to stop at Don's landlords' house in Mackenbach. Don's wife insisted that he stop by, but Don was afraid after so many years that they might not remember him, or like being dropped in on. Well, he was wrong -- way wrong! They opened the door, immediately recognized him, gave him a bear hug, and invited us in. We talked for a little bit, then their youngest daughter came in, now a college student; she had been Don's babysitter when they lived there. I mentioned how I used to live in Mackenbach as well, and in fact, lived just a few blocks away. When I told them which house I lived in, they said, "Ah, Frau Mayer's house!" Frau Mayer was my landlady. We both had digital pictures of the family handy, so Don left some for his landlords to keep, and they offered to tell Frau Mayer I said hello and take a family picture of us! Then they offered us coffee (Wow! Starbucks got nuttin' on German coffee!!) and offered to take us out to lunch! We tried to decline politely, because we really didn't want to impose on them, but they absolutely insisted. In fact, when they couldn't find a single restaurant open (not that unusual in Germany), they just made lunch for us. This was one amazing couple! I can see why Don's wife was insistent! After lunch, I took some pictures for Don, and we left for the airport. What a great way to end our trip to Germany!

I started this blog post with the title, A Trip Home. For me, it really has been -- and for Don, too, I'd say. I’m fascinated by Germany because of its history and culture, and because my ancestors emigrated from there (and by its good food – have I mentioned that yet?). Couple that with going back to the 1st and a trip down memory lane, and – even without any real “sightseeing” – you’ve got one of the best trips ever!

A Trip Home, Part Zwei

We took the majority of the afternoon off. I went to check e-mail and Facebook (to let Cristi know I made it safely). We met again that evening to do some more shopping before dinner. I had to go pick up a 110/220 adapter for my laptop (who’d’a thunk that there’d be no 110 outlets in billeting???), then to the commissary to buy some breakfast goods. We then went to find the Polish Pottery store tucked away in a little village somewhere. I had never been, but Don had when he was here a mere 6 years ago. I couldn’t even remember where the village was; he got us that far, but then the adventure began. He couldn’t remember exactly where it was, so he was looking for something familiar. Failing that, we turned down nearly every side street looking for it, ending up on two-way streets only wide enough for one car because of all the cars parked along the side because they were residential streets. Finally, we had to ask two Germans out walking. We finally found the place. It did have a fairly good selection, but man the prices were high – about 4-5 times what I paid for the stuff in Poland 10 years ago! I got the two pasta bowls to complete our collection, and Don got what his wife sent him for. Off to dinner!

When we were in the commissary, we were discussing where to go, and a lady overheard us. She told us if we wanted good schnitzel, and lots of it, to go to this place called “Big Emma’s” in Ramstein Village. We got half-portions that weighed in at a hefty 17 oz. The full portions were 35 oz, and for those big appetites, they had 71 oz portions available! It wasn’t as good as the Firehouse, but it was pretty good, and we certainly didn’t go away hungry! And so ends a great first day back in Germany…

The next day, we started our meetings – out at our new old stomping grounds. The 1st was planning a new building when I left, to replace the old WWII bomb shelter and hardened aircraft shelters we used for our workcenters. The new place was stunning! The troops now have bays big enough to store and work on their equipment indoors – a good thing considering the rainy German weather. That’s pretty impressive considering it takes a lot of space for satellite terminals, air traffic control equipment, and generators.

Combat comm units have a long tradition of high morale, probably because their sole mission is to go anywhere in the world to support the guys that put bombs on target. I already alluded that this was my best assignment, but we also have a long history of unit loyalty (we disparage the 3rd Herd and 5th Mob all the time because of their inferiority to the 1st), so I just had to get my picture taken with the 1st Combat Comm rock.

That picture will look nice in my office, don’t you think, right next to my 1st Combat Comm flag? Oh, and we had a good conference, too. The 1st’s commander, Lt Col Bill Waynick, was a great host (two more nights of good schnitzel), and we had the right folks here from the 1st, 3rd, 5th, and 644th to get some real work done figuring out what combat comm should look like in the future.

To be continued...

A Trip Home, Part Eins

(This post became so long, I decided to break it down into three parts to make it easier to read)

I got an amazing opportunity this week. I got to go back to Germany – the land of my ancestors and place of my first (real) assignment. Because of the flight schedules and jetlag, it’s almost impossible to make the trip without scheduling in a little extra time – a time I intended to take full advantage of!

I traveled with a guy I work with, Don Cournoyer, who had incidentally been assigned to the same unit I was in Germany, the 1st Combat Communications Squadron, just at a different time. For those of you unfamiliar with a combat comm unit, their mission is to deploy to a bare base that has no infrastructure whatsoever, and set up an entire base communications network, starting with a satellite communications link to connect back into the military network, and extending phone, classified and unclassified networks, video teleconferencing, and radio connectivity, among other things. We can also set up air traffic control services. Needless to say, this is about the coolest job in the whole Air Force!

We arrived Tuesday morning at 0700 with nothing to do except stay awake, because the quickest way (albeit grueling) to get over jetlag is to stay up all day, then crash early that night. So, we went shopping…and eating! We headed off to the BX to pick up some sweets to take back home for the family (Gummi Bears and German chocolate), then to Kaethe Wohlfahrt. This store stays open year-round, and sells nutcrackers, smokers, and Christmas ornaments. When we left Germany 8.5 years ago, we were pregnant with Brennan. To announce the news to the family, we bought these cute little wooden Christmas ornaments of a baby buggy under a Christmas tree. Unfortunately, we forgot to get one for ourselves to commemorate the occasion. So, I was under strict orders to go look for one over there. I didn’t hold out much hope that they’d still have that exact ornament, but Cristi asked me to look. Would you believe I got the last one they had?? I picked up four other ornaments (total of five – one for each member of the family).

By then, it was lunchtime, so we agreed on Fish ‘n Chips (authentic British-style) from this nice takeaway place in Ramstein Village. Unfortunately, it had closed. We had already discussed going to the Alte Feuerwache (Old Firehouse) at some point, so we took off over there to see if they were open for lunch. As you can see below, it really does look like an old firehouse, German-style (which indeed it was before becoming a restaurant).

This was Cristi’s and my absolute favorite restaurant in all of Europe. We had planned our last meal in Germany there, and we hadn’t had it in a while. Unfortunately, when we arrived, they were on holiday and weren’t open. We were crushed. I had wondered if it would still be open, because it was run by an older German couple. In fact, with the exception of a few grocery stores (like Aldi) and department stores (like Real, H&M, and Ikea), most businesses, hotels, and restaurants are all mom-and-pop operations. It turns out it was open, but under different owners. They had changed their menu to include Italian and some other things, as well as German. Fortunately, they still had a healthy selection of schnitzel. I ordered the Zwiebelschnitzel with bratkartoefln (onion schnitzel with fried potatoes). The portions were about as big as I remember, and the food was great, too. Here’s a picture (before I ate it!).

To be continued…